Chapter One

The Survivor Personality

Life is Not Fair--
And That Can Be Very Good For You

by Al Siebert, PhD

With foreword by Bernie Siegel, MD

©1996 Berkley/Perigee Publishing
ISBN: 0-399-52230-1
ISBN-13: 978-0-399-52230-7

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When you are hit by adversity or have your life disrupted, how do you respond? Some people feel victimized. They blame others for their plight. Some shut down. They feel helpless and overwhelmed. Some get angry. They lash out and try to hurt anyone they can.

A few, however, reach within themselves and find ways to cope with the adversity. They eventually make things turn out well. These are life's best survivors, those people with an amazing capacity for surviving crises and extreme difficulties. They are resilient and durable in distressing situations. They regain emotional balance quickly, adapt, and cope well. They thrive by gaining strength from adversity and often convert misfortune into a gift.

Are life's best survivors different from other people? No. They survive, cope, and thrive better because they are better at using the inborn abilities possessed by all humans.

Surviving and Thriving: Using Your Inborn Abilities

If you are like most people, you have not had good coaching on how to cope well with adversity, crises, and constant change. This book shows you how to access your inborn survivor qualities and increase your range of responses for coping with whatever comes your way.

This book shows how to:

• regain stability when your life is knocked off track.

• cope with unfair developments in an effective.

• increase your self-confidence for handling disruptive changes.

• break free from childhood prohibitions that prevent many people from effective coping.

• avoid reacting like a victim.

• develop a talent for serendipity.

• thrive in a world of non-stop change.

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The following story is an excellent example of someone turning a devastating blow into good fortune. In 1926 a twenty-five year old illustrator and one of his older brothers started a cartoon animation studio in southern California. Because they were among the first to master the art of moving picture cartoons, their studio received a big, one year, renewable contract from a New York film distributor, Charles Mintz. They were to produce a cartoon series named "Oswald the Lucky Rabbit."

Mintz, who owned the rights to "Oswald," sent his brother-in-law, George Winkler, to California to watch production activities. Winkler spent many weeks at the studio getting to know the animators and learning production procedures.

When the highly successful first year drew to a close, the illustrator expected to renegotiate a longer, more profitable contract with Mintz. He took his wife with him on a train to New York. The meeting with Mintz did not go as expected, however. Mintz surprised him. Mintz said to the illustrator that he and his brother would have to work for a lower fee if they wanted to renew the contract. He felt shocked. He argued that he could not produce the cartoons with less money.

As they argued about the new fee, he discovered that Winkler had persuaded Mintz to take over production of the Oswald cartoons. During the visits to the studios in California, Winkler had secretly arranged to hire away several of the best animators. Mintz and Winkler believed they could cut costs and increase their profits by producing the series themselves. Their strategy in the negotiations was to get him to give up his right to renew the Oswald contract.

They succeeded.

He felt shocked, angry, and hurt as he and his wife, Lillian, left New York for the long train ride home. He had trusted Mintz and Winkler. He had trusted his employees. He had honored his part of the contract and expected fair treatment in return. He had worked many long nights and weekends to meet production deadlines.

Now, without warning, the highly successful cartoon series was taken away from him. He would no longer be the producer of the series he worked long and hard to develop. His studio had lost its only big account.

Turning Disaster Into A Gift

The young illustrator did not react like a victim to the raw deal pulled on him by Mintz and Winkler. During the train ride back to Hollywood, he reflected on his situation. What if he created his own cartoon character instead of waiting to be hired to work on other people's ideas?

His first illustrating job had been at a commercial art studio housed in an old building in Kansas City. During long hours at the drawing board, he used food crumbs to train a mouse that lived in the building. He called the mouse Mortimer.

What about Mortimer the Mouse as a cartoon character?

Lillian said the name Mortimer sounded too stuffy. This mouse needed a friendlier, more playful name.

What about Mickey? (Yes, the young illustrator in this story is Walt Disney!) Walt liked the name Mickey. He began making sketches for a new cartoon series.

Back at the studio he and his brother decided to take advantage of a new technology that added sound to motion pictures. He charged into his new project with enthusiasm.

The rest of the story is well known. In 1928, in New York City, the Disney studios held their premier showing of an animated cartoon starring Mickey Mouse. The new cartoon was an immediate success. Oswald the Rabbit soon disappeared from theaters while Mickey Mouse went on to become one of the greatest cartoon personalities of all time. Instead of reacting like a victim, Walt Disney had converted Mintz and Winkler's unethical conduct and treachery into one of the best things that ever happened to him.1

A similar example can be found in the life of Viktor Frankl. Frankl emerged from the Holocaust without the deep emotional injuries found in most survivors of the Nazi death camps. He had survived his years in the camps as "an ordinary prisoner,"2 not as a psychiatrist or a doctor. His compassion for his fellow prisoners led him to work at developing ways to help them maintain their will to live. After his release he became world famous for developing "meaning therapy," a valuable therapy technique with survivors.

Many successful people have similar stories. Their stories may not be as dramatic, but they will be similar in the way they made a bad situation turn out well.

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Discovering the Survivor Nature

My interest in survivors began in 1953, when, after my sophomore year in college, I joined the paratroopers. I was sent to Ft. Campbell, Kentucky, for basic training and assigned to the 503rd Airborne Infantry Regiment. As part of the 11th Airborne Division, the 503rd had returned from Korea after suffering heavy losses in combat. We were told that only one in ten men had come back alive.

We heard stories about the 503rd. This was the unit that parachuted onto Corregidor Island during World War II and recaptured it from the Japanese. These were jungle fighters--tough, unstoppable, and deadly. They would be our training cadre, and we were nervous about what our training would be like. Talk of mean, screaming drill sergeants spread through the barracks.

When we started basic training, however, the sergeants and officers were not what we had expected. They were tough but showed patience. They pushed us hard but were tolerant. When a trainee made a mistake, they were more likely to laugh and be amused than to be angry. Either that, or to say bluntly, "In combat you'd be dead now," and walk away.

Combat survivors, it turns out, are more like Alan Alda playing Hawkeye, the mischievous, non-conforming surgeon in the M.A.S.H. television series than they are like the movie character Rambo. The commanding officer of SEALS training at the Naval Special Warfare Center, for example, said in a magazine interview "The Rambo types are the first to go."

During our training I noticed that combat survivors have a type of personal radar always on "scan." Anything that happens, or any noise draws a quick, brief look. They have a relaxed awareness. I began to realize it wasn't just luck or fate that these were the few who came back alive. Something about them as people had tipped the scales in their favor.

They did not exhibit a self-centered "survival of the fittest" attitude. Quite the contrary. They had such strong self-confidence they didn't have to act mean or tough. They knew what they could do and apparently didn't feel the need to prove anything to anyone. We trainees knew that if we had to go into deadly combat, these were the fighters we'd want to be with.

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A Practical Definition

Years later, when I was a graduate student in clinical psychology, I discovered that psychologists and psychiatrists did not seem to know about people who hold up well under pressure. After graduation I started a personal research project to understand life's best survivors. To focus my efforts, I developed a list of criteria. People with survivor personalities are those who:

• have survived a major crisis or challenge;

• surmounted the crisis through personal effort;

• emerged from the experience with previously unknown strengths and abilities; and

• afterwards find value in the experience.

Using these four criteria as a frame of reference, I listed questions I wanted to answer:

• How do some survivors of horrible experiences manage to be so happy?

• Is there a basic pattern of personality traits that survivors share? If so, what are the

• What about their uniqueness? How can a person be similar to others and yet be a unique individual?
• Is the survivor personality inborn? Is it learned?

• If it is learned, why do so many people grow up without learning it?

• What percentage of people have survivor personalities?

• What are survivors like when they aren't surviving? Is there a way to spot such people when things are peaceful?

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A Map-Developing Odyssey

One benefit from a good education is learning how to learn. I kept a curious and open mind as I read autobiographies and interviewed hundreds of people--survivors of the World War II Bataan Death March; Jewish survivors of the Nazi holocaust; ex-POWs and Vietnam veterans; survivors of cancer, polio, head injury, and other physically challenging conditions; survivors of rape, abuse, alcoholism, co-dependency, and addictions; parents of murdered children; survivors of bankruptcy, job loss, and other major life-disrupting events. I became curious about public employees who remain cheerful and dedicated to their work even while being maligned by the people they serve.

With a quiet mind I absorbed whatever people told me. I allowed the territory to create its own map for me. I gradually began to sense some patterns, some predictable qualities and ways of reacting. I stopped being surprised, for example, to hear survivors laugh at themselves about some stupid thing they did.

I learned that survivors are ordinary people with flaws, worries, and imperfections. When people call them heroes they disagree. Scott O'Grady, for example, the pilot who was shot down over Bosnia in 1995, sounds like most survivors when he says "For the record, I don't consider myself a hero. As I see it, I was a guy in the wrong place at the wrong time... I used my training to make the best of a grim situation." And, "As I huddled in those woods, I didn't feel like Captain O'Grady, fighter pilot. I was just a scared guy named Scott, getting by on his wits..."

I learned that a few people are born survivors. They are the natural athletes in the game of life. Just as some people are born musicians or artists, some people have a natural talent for coping well. The rest of us need to work consciously to develop our abilities. Just as we would have to take lessons and practice to become musicians or artists, we have to work at learning how to handle pressure, difficult people, negative situations, and disruptive change.

I learned that some of life's best survivors grew up in horrible family situations, and that many people least skillful at coping with life's difficulties have come from ideal homes. Many of the best people in our world have been through experiences that no public school would be allowed to arrange. They have been strengthened in the school of life. They have been abused, lied to, deceived, robbed, raped, mistreated, and hit by the worst that life can throw at them. Their reaction is to pick themselves up, learn important lessons, set positive goals, and rebuild their lives.

I learned that people seldom tap into their deepest strengths and abilities until forced to do so by a major adversity. As Julius Segal, the distinguished survivor researcher has said, "In a remarkable number of cases, those who have suffered and prevail find that after their ordeal they begin to operate at a higher level than ever before....The terrible experiences of our lives, despite the pain they bring, may become our redemption."

Lt. Commander Charlie Plumb, for example, was a navy pilot shot down early in the Vietnam war. He was taken to a prison in Hanoi and kept in a stone cell 8 feet by 8 feet in size for six years. He had no window to look out and nothing to read. He was frequently hog-tied, beaten, and subjected to grueling interrogations. Now, when he talks about his experience as a POW, he says "It's probably the most valuable six years of my life. Amazing what a little adversity can teach a person....I really felt there was some meaning to that, to my experience itself."3

Scott O'Grady said in an interview "The entire experience, as funny as this sounds, those six days were, well, the most positive experience of my life. It was just quite amazing."4

Thriving vs. Being a Victim

Charlie Plumb and Scott O'Grady say their life-threatening ordeal was the most valuable experience of their lives. At the other extreme, some people who are healthy, employed, and living in safe communities with loving families, complain about their lives as though they are being tortured.

These contrasts in people's reactions emphasize that the way we interact with life events determines how well we survive and thrive. Our attitudes determine our well-being more than our circumstances. Some people thrive in the very same situation that is distressing and overwhelming to others. In recent years thousands of people have lost their jobs through no fault of their own. Many are now discouraged and financially worse off while others have started successful home businesses and are thriving.

Fortunately, almost every person is born with the ability to learn how to handle unfair situations and distressing experiences. A person who wants to can learn how to become better and better at handling life's challenges. It is possible to avoid victim/blaming reactions by developing learning/coping reactions.

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A Teaching Challenge For Me--
A Learning Challenge For You

Years of observing and learning about life's best survivors have convinced me that:

• survivor qualities can be learned, but they can't be taught.

• survivor qualities and a survivor spirit develop out of everyday habits that increase chances of survival should it become necessary.

• people trained to act, think, and feel as instructed do not cope with life's unexpected challenges as well as a person with self-developed abilities because life's best survivors have each developed a way of coping that is unique to them.

A frustrating situation for a teacher! How can I teach what can't be taught? How can I offer expert advice about surviving and thriving when people who try to do what an "expert" says lower their chances of coping well with unexpected difficulties?

My way of handling this challenge is to offer coaching tips on how to manage your own learning. If you've read many "self-help" books, you may have noticed that the authors often start by saying that none of the existing self-help books worked very well for them. It was only after they compiled their own list of habits or principles that they finally found the way to greatness, effectiveness, excellence, prosperity, wealth, love, power, spirituality, and good digestion. Their book, they say, will save you from the time and struggle of reading any other books.5

The effectiveness or workability of any plan, however, comes from the learning struggle. In the school of life the responsibility is on the learner, not the teacher. Through trial and error you learn what works and what doesn't work for you. True self-improvement, self-confidence, and spiritual development come out of real-life, everyday experiences, not from books or workshops.

Thus, my approach is to provide guidelines on how to learn your own surviving, coping, and thriving skills. This is a book of useful questions and practical guidelines, it is not a book of instructions. Think of it as a manual on how to discover inborn abilities that no other human can reveal to you.

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What We Will Cover

Curiosity is one of the most important survivor qualities. When you ask questions about how things work you acquire practical knowledge you can use in new situations. That is why Chapter 2 shows how to manage your learning about surviving and thriving by being curious about survivors.

The world of work has changed drastically. Many employees now work without job descriptions as members of self-directed teams. Chapters 3 through 7 cover what it takes to cope and thrive in a world of constant change without an authority telling you what to do. These chapters show how the ability to thrive comes from ways of feeling, thinking, and acting that parents and teachers have typically not encouraged in children. Be forewarned that because I taught introductory psychology for many years, most chapters contain an explanation of the psychological principles involved. Skip those parts if you only want the guidelines for handling a specific situation. Understanding the underlying principles, however, is best in the long run. If you understand how the psychological principles of cause and effect work, you can apply the principles to a wide variety of new, unexpected situations.

SELF-DEVELOPMENT SUGGESTIONS: At various places in the book you will come across a suggestion in an insert like this one. If you want to get the most out of the book, take time to do the suggested activity.

The biggest challenge for most people trying to cope with difficult situations is breaking free from inner prohibitions that act as invisible emotional handicaps. Most children are born with the inner motivation to learn how to survive and thrive, but something happens to them during childhood. The natural process of self-motivated learning is disrupted when parents and teachers try to turn boys and girls into "good boys" and "good girls." This phenomenon is examined in Chapter 8.

The escalating pace of life has created numerous challenges facing many people today--too much pressure, too much change, negative people, angry people, and becoming unemployed through no fault of your own. Chapters 9 through 12 contain specific guidelines for handling difficult situations and difficult people in ways that make you stronger. In each case the coping effort shows how to thrive by converting the difficulties into valuable personal growth. (If you are trying to cope with an extremely difficult situation right now, go directly to Chapter 9.)

What about life and death situations? Chapters 13 through 16 offer insight into what others have done when thrown into the worst possible circumstances. While there is no prescription for survival in crises, disasters, and torturous conditions, we can learn from what others have gone through.6 The value in learning about many kinds of survival is that one person's way of surviving cancer, for example, may carry just the right clue for someone struggling with months of unemployment.

The best survivors are those who find a way to convert misfortune into good luck. Chapter 17 explains why a talent for serendipity is a primary indicator of a survivor personality, and how you can develop it.

There is no way of existing on this planet that does not have its drawbacks. Chapter 18 lists some of the difficulties survivors encounter because they are survivors.

And lastly, during my research I stumbled onto something quite unexpected. We humans are transforming to our next level of development. Chapter 19 describes how old ways of thinking and old personality patterns that once were normal have become a handicap in today's constantly changing world. Employees, executives, professional people, and the owners of home businesses who are best at adapting, coping, and thriving are much different than people in the past.7 The difference is so great we need new concepts and new descriptions of what a truly resilient, psychologically healthy person is like.

Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche once said "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger."8 This book shows how to do that. It shows how to cope with disruptive change, tap into the will to survive, and gain strength from adversity. It shows how to convert distressing, unfair experiences into something good for you.

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Notes and References:

1. Walt Disney story in The Art of Walt Disney, by Cristopher Finch; Harry N. Abrams, publisher, 1975, Chapters 1-2.
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2. Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning, Washington Square Press, 1963, p. 10.
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3. Charlie Plumb quote from transcript of an interview on NBC June 24, 1986. His book, I'm not a Hero, can be obtained by writing to: Charlie Plumb, PO Box 223, Kansas City, MO 64141.
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4. Captain Scott O'Grady, Return with Honor, Doubleday, 1995, p. 203.<
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5. "self-help authors...." For example, a famous author of self-help books states in the first sentance in one of his books "This is the last self-help book you will ever need to read."
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6. Julius Segal, Winning Life's Toughest Battles, Ivy Books, 1986, p. 130.
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7. See On Your Own: A Guide to Working Happily, Productively and Successfully from Home, by Lionel Fisher; Prentice-Hall, 1995.
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8. Nietszche quote from Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl, p. 130.
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